newsletter logo: Sangha Reflections

Glue

By Jindra Cekan

Winter 2006:
Table of Contents
Glue
p. 1
Poetry p. 2
We Sang As We Walked p. 3
More Poetry p. 4
Summer at Plum Village p. 4
Mindfulness in Education p. 5
For Jackie p. 6
WMC Calendar p. 7

I wanted to stick my former partner who longs for a different path than I, perfectly gluing him to the paisley/flowered/solid yellow background of my life. If my colleagues did what I thought they should, their best actions should be cut out as snowflakes and attached, never to change. I want to stick my brother on the pattern too, keeping him from making decisions I think are unwise and dangerous. I want certainly want to individually glue my children's wishes there, especially the days when they wish what I wish/when they do what I want them to do! I don't want them or anyone else to change, except those I don't care for, mind you. Awful and true. Thay's practice is, for me, about easing some of this grip on those I love. I’ve painfully learned not to expect myself to completely let go, I’m just aiming for a 50 percent easing….

Letting them live their choices, their karma, especially if it isn’t in line with what I Think Is Best has bedeviled me greatly lately, especially in my life as a (single) mom. That Kaja (5) wants to wear a spring coat when it freezes is a choice I must influence, but do I have to influence Erik (3) when he wants to play pirates 10 hours a day? A wise friend asks me, ‘what is the harm?’ When Erik was seriously ill this year, I desperately wanted to glue him back together the way he had been before… the experience taught me again how to ‘sit’ with uncertainty.

I really disliked it. I love certainty (yes, illusion, yes, fleeting, but deeply comforting).

Allowing all of this change, with a modicum of grace, has been my task this past year. What other choice do I have, after all? I sometimes rant against it. Yet I try to make myself sit in the midst of the insanity that others are imposing on me (yes, I think some of them are mad) and do the hardest things I can do. Sit. Breathe. Release them. Sit with the changes because, after all, our karma leads us to just where we should be. So I’m trying to shelve the Elmer’s, at least for today. Namaste.

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